When the amalgam is delivered to your dentist in a special protective box, he has to take extreme caution when handling the stuff: with masks, gloves, gowns, goggles, all needed to protect him from danger. He then drills your teeth and rams the mixture into your cavities, whereupon it becomes miraculously, instantly safe!

Try telling people in the Seventies that butter was healthier for you than margarine, and they would force feed you with Stork.

Yes, you could call me a tree hugger, an environmentalist, an eco-warrior even - except I don't spend my life in a kaftan, smoking joss sticks and walking a skinny dog on a piece of string.

My heart was always in my mouth when I started on a new routine.

When you're six years old, the word 'poo' is the funniest word on God's earth, but this insults my intelligence.

Celador always ask me to do their shows, and I turned down 'Millionaire.' I couldn't have done it as well as Chris Tarrant, or at least I couldn't have done it any better.

Touring has been a major part of my career. I've done a lot of huge shows, including a 13-night sell-out stint at the Indoor Arena in Birmingham, playing to a total audience of 65,000.

After leaving school, I got a job in a department store not dissimilar to Grace Bros in 'Are You Being Served?'

My real name is Bob Davis, but for some reason, I got the name Jasper while playing football at the local rec when I was nine years old, and it just stuck. Years later, when someone asked 'Jasper who?' I just said 'Carrott' - but I have no idea why I came out with that particular word.

I started to develop my comedy skills when I became resident singer at the Boggery Folk Club in Solihull. My career blossomed from there, and I became a big draw on the folk-club circuit.